


I'll Be There

by cwxlery



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentioned meanie and jihan, Only half of them actually speak, Suicide Attempt, This can be romantic or platonic, read it to your preference, sorry about that, the rest are just mentioned - Freeform, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 02:51:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11500230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cwxlery/pseuds/cwxlery
Summary: Soonyoung is there for Jihoon each time he breaks.





	I'll Be There

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of Self-Harm and suicide attempts, I do not recommend you to proceed if you're triggered by such topics in any form. I do not intend to cause any harm to any person's well-being.  
> Should you plan to proceed, I hope you'll enjoy in any case.

Jihoon is fourteen when his world falls apart.

He’d been studying at home when the phone call came; he had an important test the next day. Mildly annoyed, he’d assumed it was Junhui or Minghao with their late-night calling tendencies- that was if they weren’t already up calling each other, being cheesy (Read: Cringey). About to make a snarky comment when he answers the phone, the words catch themselves just in time as it turns out to be a stranger’s voice.

Whatever he’d wanted to say completely died in his throat when he registered the stranger’s words.

_Parents in a car accident. Police will come to pick you up in a bit._

It was a blur, all a blur the remainder of the night and way into the next day, when Jihoon is taken to the hospital, occasional things said by all the adults around him ringing in his head.

  
Wrecked.  
Unconscious.  
And then, “They tried their best. We’re sorry.”

(Jihoon ends up missing the test he’d been studying for, because of the mishap; now he wishes he’d gone out with his family that day. He wouldn’t have been left all alone then.)

Jihoon first tries to kill himself when he is fifteen. His parents are dead and he has no friends and he’s taken way longer than expected to get out of the grieving phase (like grieving is actually a phase) well there doesn’t seem to be any point in living anymore, right?

  
He is crying (again) at home after a long school day, when schoolwork is also getting too much and he’s gotten pushed against the wall again by seniors calling him a shorty, an unwanted kid.

It occurs to Jihoon that that is exactly what he is.

The penknife he uses for school projects in that moment seems so inviting that he stands up, walks right out of the living room. He doesn’t remember much between his tears, blood and sirens, but recalls cursing himself in a single moment of clarity for not cancelling his dinner order, for the delivery man to call the police, and then the ambulance when he opens the door to a dying mess that is Jihoon. And well, of course Jihoon has to end up living because the heavens just want to make him feel like he is drowning in hell as much as possible.

When he transfers schools, Jihoon is made to move into the school dorms and instantly regrets agreeing to this whole thing when he meets his roommate. Kwon Soonyoung is too hyper, too cheerful, too loud for his own good, and has an innate ability to somehow piss Jihoon off with just about everything he does. After weeks of the raven-haired boy trying his best to engage the shorter boy in conversation and winding up on the receiving end of curt, noncommittal answers, Soonyoung is very nearly ready to give up. One night, he tells Jihoon about staying out late for a friend’s party and leaves, shouting that he’d be back at 11 just as he’s at the door.

  
(He didn’t think Jihoon even heard him, but he was wrong. Right after the door closed, Jihoon swiveled in his chair and spent fifteen minutes staring blankly at the wall, the distant sound of another door closing- about one and a half years back- echoing in his brain.)

Soonyoung ends up back early, and he doesn't, or will never, regret that, when he enters the room and finds Jihoon crying on his bed, clutching a pocket knife and Soonyoung feels a range of emotions from anger to guilt, for never yet realizing the extent of his roommate’s suffering. He rushes for a glass of warm water, ointment and bandages and proceeds to hold Jihoon until his heaving sobs have turned into whimpers.

  
They properly talk for the first time that night, and Jihoon also learns how wrong he was about Soonyoung. The boy is gentle and quiet as he sits next to Jihoon; he doesn’t do anything aside from treating Jihoon’s wounds, just listens. About the smaller boy’s family, about enduring people mocking him for his height, about having his earphones ripped apart a number of times while he attempted to escape into his undisturbed world of music. About why he’d transferred, and when he gets to the part about wanting to die he can’t go on, and Soonyoung doesn’t need Jihoon’s tears to tell him what went down.

  
Then Soonyoung does something unexpected: he runs a thumb gently over Jihoon’s scars, and pulls him closer. “If you need me, talk to me, okay?”  
So Jihoon agrees. This is the first time he’s talked to anyone about his life, much less to someone he has painfully limited knowledge of. But they were going to get there, because, hey, that’s what friends do, right?

 

The second time Jihoon tries to kill himself, Soonyoung doesn’t know about it until after he fails.  
  
They’ve been friends for close to six months now, and gotten close faster than what was probably normal. They learned about each other’s habits and funny quirks, like how Soonyoung tends to start singing out of nowhere, and about how Jihoon has a second use for his guitar besides playing music. Both of them are night owls, hence usually end up keeping each other company at about 2 a.m. in the morning. Jihoon, composing, often fell asleep right where he sat, at his desk, but would find himself nestled in blankets in his bed the next morning. Soonyoung would chuckle to himself, quietly, at how light Jihoon was and how he was unbelievably angelic when asleep.

  
So one night, it is no wonder Soonyoung feels off when Jihoon isn’t back at the dorm when it’s almost midnight. Sure, he’s had to find Jihoon in the boarding school’s music studio late at night before (risking his wrath nevertheless), but Jihoon would usually call to say he would be late back. He wouldn’t just not show up, this wasn’t like Jihoon.

  
It’s beyond midnight when Soonyoung goes to the music studio, but there is no sign of Jihoon. The rest of campus is closed, and there isn’t anywhere else Soonyoung can think Jihoon would be at. Besides confused, the raven-haired boy was worried, which slowly morphed into panic when he next checked his watch and realized it was 1.46 in the morning.

  
_Where is Jihoon, where is Jihoon, where-_  
Soonyoung slams their dorm room door open, and sees his phone vibrating with such force it almost falls off the desk before Soonyoung picks it up.

  
_2 missed calls from <Jihoonie> _ _  
<Jihoonie> calling…_

  
“Hey, where are you? Do you need me to go get you or something?”

“Yea, I think you need to.”

Soonyoung paused. It wasn’t Jihoon’s voice. It wasn’t even a teenage boy’s voice. It sounded much deeper, like someone mature and probably of working age.

“Sorry, who-who is this?”

  
There was a slight pause on the other end of the line.

“Um, this is Jeonghan, I’m ...you know what, why don’t you come down here and get your friend.”

The Jeonghan guy names the location of a bar. A bar? What the hell is Jihoon doing at a bar?

As Soonyoung arrives at this confusingly dingy place, he bumps into Kim Mingyu. The boyfriend of Jihoon’s friend Wonwoo, he and Soonyoung weren’t close, but Soonyoung knew enough of the party animal to be slightly fond of the guy. He sighs, before greeting the giraffe-legs boy.

“Have you seen Jihoon?”

“Yeah, Jisoo and his boyfriend are in the back room with him. He threw all the pills up and everything, then we found his phone and I got Jeonghan- that’s his boyfriend- to call you.”

“Ah, is he asleep then-- wait what the _hell_ do you mean by pills?”

For some reason Mingyu doesn’t look at Soonyoung in the eyes.

“He had a small bottle in his pocket, Soon. Like, a bottle of whatever you take only when you have insomnia or something, I don’t know where he’d gotten it from…”

Soonyoung felt like he’d been plunged in a bucket of ice water, feeling hot and cold at the same time. And then the anger started to set in.

Why did you drag _Jihoon_ of all people to a bar?”

“Not me! I happened to meet him here. He said he needed some time alone so I let him be, then I was talking to Hansol and Jisoo started yelling about someone dying in the bathroom so—” Soonyoung doesn't bother waiting for him to finish, but shoves past him into the bar.

The back room is relatively quiet as compared to the rest of the bar, where random people hung around drinking and talking. (Or singing high quality karaoke with no shame, proudly in the centre of attention. Also known as Boo Seungkwan.)

A man with long hair in a ponytail sits perched on a small table. He stands straight when he sees Soonyoung, and holds out a hand. “Hey, I'm Jeonghan.”

  
Soonyoung is too worried for Jihoon to care about being polite. “Soonyoung. Is Jihoon okay?”  
Jeonghan lets out a sigh somewhere between weary and relieved. “Jisoo let us know in time, thankfully, I made him throw up enough of the pills just to be unconscious for a period of time, but it's okay, he'll live.”  
“Was kinda scary for a while, but Jeonghan was like a pro.” Wonwoo, who'd appeared just behind Soonyoung, added, gesturing to the long-haired man.

Soonyoung walks over to the sofa in the corner. Bending down, he sees Jihoon curled up into a small ball against the armrest. _He’s just asleep, Soonyoung. He’s just asleep._

  
“Thanks for all your help, guys. I should probably get him home.”

  
“Don't worry about it. Where do you stay? I'll drive you.”

(On their way back Soonyoung learns that it'd been Jihoon’s parents’ death anniversary. Jihoon had refused to tell Jeonghan anything, but ended up mumbling whatever on at the tip of his tongue while getting drunk and losing consciousness.)

 

The last time Jihoon tries killing himself, Soonyoung never expects to be the trigger.

  
He never meant to, but one time, when he had Seokmin and Chan over for a project they'd got a little too wild and Jihoon’s recording equipment landed up from the desk to the floor. There was a terribly long crack on the laptop screen and the keyboard had lost a few keys, and when Jihoon had surveyed the damage he'd had barely any reaction of anger, which Soonyoung knew he was screwed because it meant Jihoon was boiling fury underneath. Jihoon was really sensitive about anyone messing with his stuff. To even reject Soonyoung’s offer of paying for the new stuff, it was clear he was really, really mad.

They spend almost a week in silence, and Jihoon has yet to give in to Soonyoung’s gestures of peace by way of food, despite having accepted (probably grudgingly) Soonyoung’s repeated apologies. When they do talk, it's really just by necessity and Jihoon never gives more than few-worded answers delivered in a monotone. Jihoon sends his laptop for fixing and is ever more tense with nothing to unwind.

And this affects Soonyoung, but the more Soonyoung feels awkward the more crazy he tends to get, which actually drives Jihoon up the wall instead of releasing any tension. And he knows he was going to snap one day, in a combination of Soonyoung annoying the hell out of him and him not talking to Soonyoung.

So Jihoon does snap, and it is anything but pleasant when it happens. It happens on a weekend, with the sky so pleasant the boys don’t go out only because they have schoolwork. And Soonyoung doesn’t realize what he’s doing, really, but ends up humming tunelessly just to fill in the silence in their dorm, which was a rarity and really unbearable for Soonyoung. And Jihoon, unfortunately, could hear him through his earphones as he tried his best to concentrate on his work. Finally, the words that’s been in his mind fling themselves out his mouth before he has a chance to think rationally. “ _Can you fucking shut up_?!”

  
Soonyoung’s jaw drops. Jihoon, his newfound and now best friend, has never,  _never_ yelled at him like that. Frankly, both boys are stunned, staring at each other for what is the longest time.

  
Then Soonyoung breaks off their stare, noisily grabbing his schoolwork and turning his full focus to it, lips firmly pressed together and scribbling on his paper faster than an average speed-writer.

  
Jihoon finally regrets what he’s done when he notices tears in Soonyoung’s eyes.

After a good ten minutes, Jihoon gets up to leave the dorm. Just as he’s about to shut the door behind him he turns around, but not so much that he can see the entirety of a suspiciously very studious Soonyoung.

  
Hesistating, he manages to just choke out, “I’m sorry.”

  
He doesn’t hear “it’s okay”.

Jihoon doesn’t know why, but his feet take him to a graveyard. In fact, it’s the graveyard. The one he’d never been to since the day he walked out of it without his parents. He takes his time walking in, then down the small aisles between gravestones. looking at the cold, elegantly adorned slabs amidst the meadow dotted with tiny yet beautiful flowers, Jihoon wonders what it would be like to be buried somewhere as pretty as here. Then he realizes he wouldn't feel it, anyway.

  
That is when he stops walking, right between two similarly decorated gravestones.

He kneels in the grass, his gaze falling on the small dandelions swaying in the breeze, strong enough for the buds to be blown away. The sky is beautiful, the graveyard is elegant, and Jihoon's heart aches.   
_I’m sorry, I should have come to visit. I’m sorry never had the courage to face reality. I’m sorry I want to join you so badly, I’m sorry I’m so weak I can’t fight the urge not to hurt myself, I’m sorry I’m not dead._

_  
I’m just sorry._

Jihoon stays there till the sunlight begins fading, and doesn’t really understand what he says as he sobs by the gravestones. He misses them so, _so_ much. He wants his parents back, he just wants a proper family again.

He would have gone to the bar again, but given the previous mishap Jeonghan and Jisoo would probably never let him near any drinks. He actually does head there, but takes a right turn and reaches the bridge overlooking a long river. The sky was completely dark now, the colour of ink seeping through the land and Jihoon’s heart. The once familiar streets, now bathed in yellow-orange light from the streetlamps, seemed like they belonged in another world.  
_Like how I’ll be in a while._

“Hey.”  
Jihoon’s just hoisted himself over the railings when a voice cuts through his bleak grayscale thoughts.  
A hand on the railing, he turns around, to see a guy who couldn’t be more than a year older than him. He had dark hair, a brown-black wisp under the streetlamps.

“Don’t do it.” The guy says.

“What?”

“You heard me, don't do it. There's no point.”

“What do you know?” Jihoon can't help but snap at him.

The guy just shrugs. He seemed very nonchalant, like it was normal to be starting a conversation with someone on the wrong side on the bridge.  
“What's your name?” The question comes too casually, too unexpected.

“Why do you care?”

“Oh, and my name’s Seungcheol. Choi Seungcheol.” The guy carries on as if he hadn't spoken. It wasn't a challenge, Jihoon could feel it from his posture and the way he looked at him. He was probably trying to be nice. Probably.

“...Jihoon.”

“I know something now, then.”

Jihoon decides he is already tired of speaking to this guy. “Well, congrats and everything. Now if you could leave, so I can think about dying in peace.” He doesn't mean for those words to come out, but his thoughts flow out of him, relaxed. Maybe because his subconscious knows he’s got nothing to lose anymore.

“Why don't you come over here and tell me all about it, then?”

“What?” Jihoon repeats.

“I've a lot of free time.” Seungcheol smiles, his pearly white teeth a quick flash in the light.

Jihoon doesn't care, his feet already aching slightly from standing on a structure with small metal screws, basically not meant for people to stand on; he feels lightheaded from the darkness pressing in and the wind about to whisk him away any moment. He just had to let go of the railing. It would all be over, it would end.  
“Go. Away.”

“C’mon.” Seungcheol’s lighthearted tone drops, replaced with something firm, borderline urgent. “Let me help you. I don't know you, but trust me, I'm here for you.”

“You don't even know me. You can't help me. Nobody can.” Jihoon’s voice cracks at the end, mind racing with all his nothing but painful memories since the day his world fell apart. _Nobody can be always there, if you haven't realized. Everyone leaves you someday._  
But Jihoon doesn't say that, mostly because he can't. Hot, fresh tears are surfacing and choking him, causing him to shake violently. Seungcheol’s reaching for him, saying something he doesn't register and he can't think straight anymore, he doesn't want to stay, he wants to—

Seungcheol screams at a pitch Jihoon doesn't expect. Then Jihoon realizes he is falling backwards through open air.  
So this is it, I guess.  
The sky is cloudless that night, and Jihoon’s vision is full of tiny lights when he looks up. Tiny stars, blinking away the seconds he had left, the silent witnesses to this late-night event.  
Stars.  
_Hoshi sounds like a good name, right Jihoonie?_

Jihoon sees the raven-haired boy who'd burst into his life, his smile, his unique eyes, his arms wrapping around Jihoon, his tears, his unwavering support and love. Jihoon sees Soonyoung, Soonyoung, _Soonyoung_ , until he hears a splash. And then there's nothing.

When Soonyoung gets a call for the second time, he's doesn't take it any easier. In fact, he takes it worse, from when he yells at the clueless staff who couldn't give him the accurate directions, as he practically sprinted to the hospital.

Soonyoung meets a guy who introduces himself as Seungcheol, who also happens to be dripping wet. He'd rushed to the riverbank and thrown himself in without a second thought, pulling an unconscious Jihoon out and essentially saving his life. Soonyoung’s ready to get on his knees to thank him before he's stopped by Seungcheol himself. Seungcheol reveals himself to be a friend of Jisoo and Jeonghan, and had seen Jihoon whilst hanging out at the bar the night Jihoon “got drunk” (as Seungcheol kindly puts it). He'd thus recognized the miserable-looking, tearful small figure walking past the bar last night. With no wish to be treated like a holy saviour, and also because he has to work, Seungcheol takes his leave first, but not without giving Soonyoung his phone number, “so everyone could gather round and hang in the future.”

It was lucky, the nurse says, when Soonyoung talks to her, that the bridge wasn't very high. Jihoon’s had a concussion, but he'd live. So Soonyoung stay by Jihoon’s bedside from the early morning on, grasping Jihoon’s hand like a lifeline.

Jihoon wakes up in the afternoon and bursts into tears the moment he sets eyes on Soonyoung. He wasn't in the right state of mind, and it's the first time he's nothing but glad that he'd failed. He's let his best friend down and he knows it, but can't do anything except sob as Soonyoung holds him tight. Soonyoung doesn't feel it in him to say anything either, so he uses his actions, everything he can do to tell Jihoon he’s there.

And Jihoon knows he will change, he's already changed an opinion, from the miracle he'd seen and the opportunity he'd been given to make things right.  
Nobody can always be there. But it doesn't mean they'll leave you.

**Author's Note:**

> Well. For anyone who's read through it all to the end, how was it?  
> This started out as an emotional outlet and developed over the course of about two weeks to become this post, so thanks for reading.  
> Again, I do not intend to cause harm to anyone's well-being, I know there are people who'd go ahead with reading triggering stuff despite being one to get triggered (because I'm one of them). I hope it gave you some form of emotional release from reading this anyway, like it does for me while reading and writing.


End file.
